I know how Donald Trump can stay in office until he dies… he should be KING of America
WE always know what’s going on in Donald Trump’s head, because he tells us.
Every thought he ever has is said out loud. And sometimes this is a problem.
Though when I say “sometimes”, what I mean is “always”.
This week, for instance, he announced that America won world war two. I’m sure this caused his fans over there to hold their hats to their hearts as they smashed up the nearest Volkswagen showroom in a frenzy of teary-eyed patriotism.
But it’s not entirely accurate.
The simple truth of the matter is that we held Hitler at arms’ length until the Russians were able to defeat his armies.
But there was no time to explain this to the Donald because he was busy thinking out loud again, saying that he was going to buy Canada and that America’s Declaration of Independence was all about love.
And then he mused about how the troubling conflict between India and Pakistan has been going on for centuries. Which is odd because Pakistan was only created in 1947.
Trump’s shaky grasp of reality is a worry. But then I do wonder what the world would have looked like if his rival, Kamala Harris had won.
Worse, probably. Especially for people with testicles or a womb.
It’s incredible really that when the time came for the world’s most powerful country to replace Joe Biden, who was mostly dead, it offered voters a choice between a woman who wrote speeches using tiles picked randomly from a Scrabble bag, and a maniac with nylon hair.
And waiting in the wings is JD Vance, a God botherer who thinks women who’ve been raped should be forced to have the resultant baby.
And there’s no end in sight to this madness. Because of the way candidates are chosen (using money) only lunatics will ever end up in the White House.
So I wonder if maybe it’s time to change the role of the president.
At the moment, he or she wields enormous power, whereas our head of state, the King, does not.
He’s just a figurehead who’s wheeled out occasionally to open car parks and stand on the balcony at Buckingham Palace, in a snazzy uniform, waving.
That’s what they need in America. A president who opens stuff and waves.
AND NOTHING ELSE.
And do you know what? I don’t think Donald Trump would be totally averse to the idea. He wouldn’t have to bow out after four years. He could stay in office till he dies.
And he could call himself King Donald the First and make people bow when they meet him. I think he’d like that a lot.
THANKS BUT NO YANKS
So let me see if I’ve got this exciting new US trade deal right.
From now on, we will be allowed to buy terrible left-hand-drive cars that are far too big for our roads.
And at night, we will be able to eat chicken that tastes vaguely of a swimming pool. Or beef that’s so full of chemicals, we will wake up in the morning with two heads.
On the upside, we are told we will now be able to export all the steel we make to America.
Hmmm. As I recall, we only have one steel plant left in this country and all it made last year was a knife and fork.
Obviously, I haven’t had time yet to read the small print in this deal but when I do, I think it’ll be even worse. Because we were being represented in negotiations by a man who can’t talk properly, and wears someone else’s spectacles. And he was up against a ruthless businessman who’s mad.
That said, however, it’s possible that Starmer’s new trade deal with India is better for Britain.
Mainly because he was negotiating with a man whose mind was on other things.
Like dropping bombs on Pakistan.
IF ever you’re in need of a laugh, go online and have a look on your local council’s website at the objections being raised by elderly people about all the planning applications.
A belter caught my eye this week. A tennis club in Norfolk has applied for permission to keep the courts open until 10pm and locals, predictably, are furious.
A chap called Keith is worried about the noise saying: “You’ve got balls bouncing off fences.”
Yes, Keith. That’s why none of us ever watches Wimbledon.
It’s too noisy. You can’t hear yourself think.
A HARD LABOUR
AS we know, the Labourites want to make sure that everyone who arrives in a dinghy on a beach in Kent is put up in a luxury hotel and given free food until we have built a nice four-bedroom home for them.
However, this week, the Starmerists announced that in return, all these new boys – and they are mostly male – must learn English.
Good luck with that.
The chap who delivers parcels to my farm about 500 times a day has been coming here for more than a year.
And he still doesn’t know what “fragile” means.
IT’S OOH LE / LA
AS I’m sure you know everything in the French language is either male or female. Even a table is given a gender.
So what do their woke people do when they say they are neither a boy nor a girl? They’re stuck.
Who knew? The French language, it turns out, is transphobic.
TA - TA TO NEW SAUCE
I do love the result from a really stupid survey. And there’s a pearler this week.
Because Heinz has announced that 90 per cent of people aged between 18 and 30 would be interested in a new sauce to go with fish.
Wow. So that’s what the kids are talking about these days. I thought it was gay rights and Palestine and who said what on TikTok.
But no. They’re in the gym and the juice bar and in the staff room at work, and all they’re talking about is how the world would be a better place if only there was an alternative to ketchup.
And now there is. It’s from Heinz, surprisingly, who’ve launched a new line called Fish & Chips Sauce.
Except it’s not new. It’s just tartare sauce with a new label. And the fact is that it’s not quite as good as Thousand Island. Which I put on everything.
Including biscuits.
VOIGHT NEEDN’T BOTHER HOLDING ON FOR A NIRO
JON VOIGHT is an Oscar-winning actor and father to Angelina Jolie.
He is also such an ardent MAGA fan, that he’s managed to convince Donald Trump that all films should be made in America.
I have no idea how that might work. Paddington becomes Grand Central Station? James Bond changes his name to Jimbo? Jason Bourne never goes further than Tennessee?
One thing I do know, however, is that we will never see Voight and Trumpo-hating Robert De Niro working together again.
That scene in Heat? Make the most of it next time you watch.
It’s a one-off.
