DEAR DEIDRE
My fiancé proposed to me in middle of affair with woman he met on Tinder – but he insists their romps meant nothing
All our plans have been thrown into chaos after I received a text from another woman saying she’d slept with him
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN I got a text from a woman saying she had my met fiance online and had sex with him, he said it meant nothing. But it meant something to me.
They had a full-on affair, in the middle of which he proposed to me. My head is all over the place.
I am 32 and my boyfriend is 35. We have been together for six years.
We own two cats and a have very happy relationship, but over time we have lost the sexual connection.
Despite this, my boyfriend proposed three months ago. I was so happy and we planned to get married next spring.
However, all our plans have been thrown into chaos after I received a text from another woman saying she’d slept with him.
At first I thought it was some kind of joke and my boyfriend denied it. But because I kept on at him about it, he finally came out with the truth.
He says he reactivated his Tinder account, just out of curiosity, and met this woman on there and got along very well with her.
They texted now and then for well over a year and then met up in person. He said they met up eight times in a period of ten months.
However, he says their encounters didn’t mean anything and that he loves me and does want us to get married. I don’t know what to think.
He is being so casual about what he’s done.
I haven’t confided in anyone but all I keep thinking is how could I ever forget and begin to trust him again?
Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s totally understandable that you’re feeling torn up over this.
He’s been lying and cheating and that was entirely his choice.
By saying it meant nothing is his way of minimising the seriousness, down- playing his behaviour and avoiding taking responsibility.
Trust, once shattered so many times, is incredibly hard to rebuild. You need to decide if things can be mended in your relationship or whether you should cancel your wedding.
Either way, you would be wise to halt all marriage plans until you have clarity.
Think about having relationship counselling, even if just for yourself, to help you process the pain and decide your next steps. Contact Tavistock Relationships (, 020 7380 1960).
My support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? will help you think things over too.
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HE GASLIGHTS ME WHEN I CHALLENGE HIM ON LIES
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner tells so many lies, but when I catch him out, he screams and shouts, accusing me of being a psycho and of needing help.
I’m 32 and he’s 35. We’ve been together for almost a year, and I have a daughter from a previous relationship.
He lies about having Instagram and other social media profiles. I don’t have a problem with them, but he turns his phone over when we are together.
He also lies about what he earns. We are falling into debt, even though he works overtime and is on good money.
I am not saying he is cheating but my gut instinct tells me something is wrong.
He finds it so easy to look me in the eye and continue lying. It is beginning to affect my mental health. I am feeling low and upset.
Whenever I raise my concerns, he simply tells me to get help. I love him so much but I really don’t know what to do.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m concerned for you. Lying and then gaslighting you is a form of emotional abuse, but you’re not the one with the problem.
He’s deflecting attention away from his own behaviour by suggesting you need help.
It’s important to trust your gut instinct. My support pack on Abusive Partners explains more. You love him, but you are increasingly unhappy.
My support pack on Addictive Love will help you to think this through and decide whether to stay or walk away.
SCARED OP COULD LEAVE ME DISABLED
DEAR DEIDRE: TO have a major operation or not – that is my question. I am epileptic and have been for a number of years.
I have full-blown seizures where I am fitting and shaking all over and occasionally I experience ones where I go into a hypnotised state.
I am a 31-year-old single man and have been hospitalised many times.
I recently had an appointment with a specialist. She told me about an operation in which a monitor is fitted internally that wires up to my brain, to control the seizures.
I have been told there is a 60 per cent chance of it being successful but if it isn’t, I could end up with a life-changing disability that would leave me in a wheelchair.
It would also leave me with deep scarring for life. If the operation wasn’t a success the internal wiring would have to stay put as it can’t be removed. I am taking a variety of medications but this is a real dilemma for me.
DEIDRE SAYS: No surgery is without risk. Deciding to have brain surgery is a big decision.
You have the right to refuse surgery, if you don’t want to go through with it. You might want to consider talking to a counsellor to discuss your worries.
Talking to someone else who has had the operation can be helpful, too.
Do make contact with the Epilepsy Society (, 01494 601 400), who will understand.
DUMPED AFTER FAMILY'S PRYING
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my family and some of our mutual friends began asking personal questions about our relationship, my girlfriend ended it out of the blue, saying she wasn’t ready for a new partner.
I am 39 and my girlfriend is 36. She is a single mum with one son after divorcing a few years ago. We have had such an amazing six months together, going on city breaks, concerts etc.
I quickly fell in love with her, and she told me she felt the same.
But then our friends and family began asking intrusive questions.
They asked when we were going to move in together, had I met her son and when was I going to propose. The questions were endless. My family is quite full-on, and I think this shocked my girlfriend.
I think she found it overwhelming. She messaged me recently to say she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and needed some space for her and her son. I was heartbroken but understood.
We’ve stayed in touch but lately my messages are either ignored or unanswered.
I don’t know where I stand. I am not ready to move on from her as I love her but equally, I don’t want to put my life on hold waiting for something that may never happen.
DEIDRE SAYS: Unfortunately, it sounds as if it is over. Your family’s questions made her feel uncomfortable and although they may have been genuinely interested and meant well, she perhaps was not used to that level of scrutiny.
She may have felt things were becoming intense before she was ready for it.
All you can do is try to move on and rebuild your life rather than put everything on hold. It will take time to heal.
My support pack Mend Your Broken Heart should help you to move on.
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