My son exposed my secret date with a man I met online – I feel ashamed and guilty

DEAR DEIDRE: MY son discovered I’d been talking to and planning to meet a man on a dating app when he borrowed my phone.

He took screenshots of our ­conversations and sent them to my daughter.

I am 52, my husband is 54 and we have been together for 30 years. Our two kids are grown up.

My daughter rang me the next day to say she had seen the chat and asked if her dad knew.

I told her that we had been having a few problems and had been to see a counsellor, explaining that I thought he was getting too close to a woman at work.

When I admitted everything I started to cry — but I wanted her to know that her dad isn’t perfect.

My daughter told me she loved us both but said she wanted me to tell her father.

I promised I would even though I feel like a little child being told how to live my life. I’m so angry that my son went through my phone without asking.

My daughter understood but she said when her brother saw this dodgy dating app he panicked.

Even if it is dodgy, it is up to me to have it on my phone if I want to. It isn’t up to my son. I feel like my daughter is threatening to tell her dad if I don’t, even though I told her it would make things worse.

She said she didn’t want me to meet this man while her father is working.

I have been caught out and admit to feeling ashamed and guilty.

Although I haven’t met this other man, I feel so exposed now, like the whole world knows about what I was doing.

DEIDRE SAYS: Family secrets are damaging but now the cat is out of the bag and your children have expressly asked you to let your husband know, you really would be best to come clean.

If you don’t, your children may never forgive you, even though they are adults and should be able to handle the fact that you are not perfect.

While honesty about cheating is not always the best policy, because sometimes all it does is cause pain and misery, I would suggest that as your whole family knows except your husband, it’s not fair to expect them to keep your secret, or to leave him the only one left in the dark.

My support pack Looking After Your Relationship will help you with this.

I WANT TO BACK OUT OF WEDDING

DEAR DEIDRE: I BITTERLY regret proposing to my partner years ago. We are getting married in two months’ time, but I feel I am at breaking point.

We are both 39 and have been together for 15 years. We have three gorgeous children.

My partner accuses me of taking over the planning of the wedding, saying she didn’t want a big wedding. She keeps saying I give her too much stress.

Our relationship is not going well. In fact, it is falling apart.

We only have sex when my partner feels like it, which is once a month. She shouts at me when I say anything to her about it. She accuses me of gaslighting her and makes me feel rubbish.

I have told her that if she wants to cancel the wedding then to go ahead and do it. She then belittled me in front of her family.

When I say anything back, she makes it seem like it is my fault. I question whether she actually loves me. When I have asked her, she says as a joke “You’re still here, aren’t you?”

I don’t know how I got to the stage where I am scared to annoy or disappoint her. I don’t feel like a man any more. What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: This sounds more serious than just wedding jitters. You need to put the brakes on before it’s too late.

Don’t go ahead with the wedding just because it’s booked. Divorce is more difficult than postponing or cancelling.

You must sort out the problems in your relationship before you get married or you could both be very unhappy, more so than you are now.

Talk to your fiancée, share your fears with her, and then decide what is right for the two of you.

My support pack on Standing Up For Yourself will help you to do this.

ALONE AND PINING FOR A BLOKE I MET 35 YEARS AGO

DEAR DEIDRE: SPOTTING a picture of an amazing guy I used to know made all the feelings I had for him come flooding back.

I met him at a youth club 35 years ago. I had a boyfriend at the time, but it didn’t stop us from flirting. One night we went outside where we kissed and he asked me to meet him.

But I was naive and insecure, so I turned him down. I deeply regret that decision. If it happened now, I would have had the confidence to leave my boyfriend and say yes.

I stayed with my boyfriend in what I can only describe as a boring relationship.

We were more like brother and sister for most of the time we were together. My two children are the only positive.

I’m 52 and single now. The guy from my past is probably happily married with his own family. I have tried to find him on many social media sites.

Maybe it’s because I’m lonely, but I can’t get him out of my head.

DEIDRE SAYS: You are feeling nostalgic because life is not going so well for you right now. Many years have passed and neither of you are the people you were.

It is tough to find yourself alone after years of being in a couple with a family life. Making new friends might help you feel less alone.

Check out meetup.com, which shows events and clubs in your area. My packs, Feeling Lonely and Widening Your Social Scene will help you too.