My lover exposed his cheating when he threw another woman’s knickers to me

DEAR DEIDRE: THE moment my lover threw someone else’s knickers to me has turned my world upside down.

I was on the cusp of leaving my husband of 14 years for this man and now everything has fallen apart. I just do not know where to turn.

My lover made me feel happy and desirable again but this incident completely threw me and now I’ve blocked him while working out what to do.

When I ran into my lover, who I had been to school with, he was a breath of fresh air.

My husband, who I share a 12-year-old son with, had become increasingly jealous and insecure, discouraging me from going out with friends at all.

There was never enough I could do to calm down his paranoia, which came from his two previous girlfriends cheating on him. We’re in our early forties.

To avoid arguments, I would stay indoors, but it was making me miserable.

I’d become more and more isolated and lonely, spending nights in while my husband just watched TV for hours on end.

He had no interest in spending time with me either in the bedroom or outside it.

So when I bumped into my old school pal last year and he asked me for a midday drink, it felt so reckless but exciting to agree.

Soon, we started to meet for sex at his flat and our feelings for each other developed.

We’d even discussed how I could start putting money aside for a flat deposit so that we could be together.

Then after one sex session at his flat, I was getting dressed and couldn’t find my knickers.

Next thing, he picked up a lacy pair from under his bed and threw them to me — but they weren’t mine.

I flung them back demanding to know who they belonged to.

His response, “Well they’re not mine!” left me speechless. Now I’ve blocked his messages but I’m in a mess.

I know I’m the one in a relationship but this feels like such a betrayal.

DEIDRE SAYS: This fling was a welcome distraction from the unhappiness you are experiencing at home.

But now that it has ended, you have a good opportunity to start to focus on the issues in your marriage.

While the previous betrayals might explain your husband’s jealousy, they are not an excuse.

These feelings of paranoia he has can be overcome, if he is prepared to work hard at it and get some help.

I’m sorry to say that jealousy like this seldom fades away and could even intensify.

My support pack Dealing with Jealousy explains more.

Your next best steps are to focus on your marriage.

If your husband is reluctant to address his jealousy, then you would be wise to see a counsellor and then work out your next moves going forward.

FLATMATE IS AFTER MY FELLA

DEAR DEIDRE: I’M thinking about quitting university because my flatmate is telling lies about sleeping with my boyfriend.

I’m 20 and in my second year of my course.

I live in a house with her, another girl and two guys.

This girl has been flirting with all the guys since she got here. She hooks up with someone every time we go out, usually disappearing overnight.

My boyfriend stayed over last weekend.

She was blatantly trying it on with him – even when I was in the room.

She even suggested they go to her room, so she could show him her “art”.

My boyfriend was having none of it. He told her to get a life, saying she was a player and I trust him.

But then someone on my course asked me how I was, since she’d been told that this girl was seeing my boyfriend.

My boyfriend was furious when I told him.

He won’t come near our house now and wants nothing to do with her.

DEIDRE SAYS: She’s insecure and needing continuous affirmation of her desirability in order to bolster her self-esteem.

It’s sad but you must not quit your course.

Ask your boyfriend over so you can challenge her about the lies and agree to some house rules over her behaviour.

If nothing changes, call a house meeting to discuss what needs to change.

SEX WITH EX A HUGE MISTAKE

DEAR DEIDRE: I HAVE sabotaged my perfect life by cheating on my fiancee and getting another girl pregnant. Everything is now in ruins.

I am 26 and my gorgeous fiancee is 24. We have been together for three years and recently became engaged.

We were also just in the process of starting to plan our wedding.

But then I was out one night with a group of mates and bumped into my ex in the local chippy.

I’d had way too much to drink, but it felt good to see her again.

My friends had all left the shop and I was left talking to my ex.

We arranged to meet up a couple of days later and stupidly had sex, for old times’ sake.

Afterwards we both agreed it was a one-off. But my girlfriend then found the texts my ex and I had sent one another, arranging to meet up.

She was heartbroken, and I know I have been a complete imbecile.

My ex flattered my ego that night, but I had been feeling trapped in my relationship.

Now my ex has told me she is pregnant, just as my girlfriend was forgiving me.

Even though I told my ex I wasn’t ready for fatherhood, she says she is keeping the baby.

My girlfriend will dump me if I tell her about the baby. But I know I’ll be responsible for this child, so am feeling sick with worry.

DEIDRE SAYS: It’s a difficult situation, but you need to be certain that your ex is not lying to cause more trouble.

If she’s pregnant, tell her you want a DNA test after the birth, to see whether or not you are the father.

If the baby is then confirmed to be yours, you would be legally responsible for paying maintenance and should make every effort to be a loving and involved dad.

Explain everything to your girlfriend. And getting married is a very big commitment.

If you feel trapped, then you do have some issues to work through – assuming that your fiancee will forgive you.